Thanks for stopping by for a visit.
I hope your Christmas season is well under way and completely filled with cookies, lights and cheesy Hallmark movies! I can tell you that mine has been. (See above picture of me with our Christmas tree that I couldn’t wait to get and cried over because I was so excited about it.) (I know, I’m pathetic.)
I was going to write something about Christmas and tree cutting and decorating but this has been on my mind a lot lately, especially with the New Year quickly approaching.
Let’s get to it, shall we?
I have struggled with my weight for the majority of my life. It really started in sixth grade when my parents allowed us to start staying home alone after school instead of going to a baby sitter. They trusted my younger brother and I to not destroy the house for the hour it took them to get home after us. Little did they know that destroying the house was the least of their worries.
I had an eating problem.
When I say eating problem, let me run you through an average “eating” day.
Breakfast: Seven - Ten french toast sticks with syrup. Pop.
Mid Morning: My packed lunch. Pop.
Lunch: The school lunch. Pop.
Home from School: Oreos, mac and cheese, Doritos with ranch. Pop.
Dinner: What ever mom made. Always with seconds. Pop.
Before bed: Cake, cookies or cereal. Pop.
I went from being an average sized ten year old, to a very overweight eleven year old.
Fast forward a few years to high school. I still had an eating problem. My eating habits never improved, they multiplied. I also developed a self confidence problem. Why didn’t any of the boys at school like me? Why didn’t I have friends, why was I never picked in gym and why could I hear people whispering about me?
Before I go any further let me pause.
I am not saying that you cannot be heavier and have friends, or a boyfriend, or get picked in gym. I am saying that my lifestyle was so unhealthy that it seeped into how I carried myself and how people saw me. The kids in high school weren’t stupid, they saw how much I ate and how little self control I had. I was actively harming myself with how I treated my body and they noticed. I didn’t.
Let’s go ahead and fast forward to the middle of my senior year. Prom was in three months and I am not going alone nor am I going to look heavy. I lost thirty pounds in three months by eating less than 1200 calories a day and being on an elliptical for an hour at a time, if not longer. I was thrilled that I lost the weight, and surprise surprise, guys started talking to me.
I still did not have a healthy relationship with food. Food was bad now. Binge eating once every few weeks became a habit. The way I felt about myself never changed, I still saw myself as the chubby girl no one liked in high school, but now I was seeking fulfilmment and affirmation from everyone as well.
Fast forward to 2016 when I started dating my boyfriend. I started eating whatever I wanted again. The poor self control I had poked its head back out again. A whole pack of pasta? No problem. Beer and vodka? Gimmie. It was nice that my boyfriend loved me for me, and accepted my awful eating habits. He honestly didn’t think anything of the way I ate. He loved me so much he never noticed how I gained 20-25 pounds in six months. I kept that weight on for a while. Until January 2018 to be exact.
In January 2018 I told myself I had to lose the weight. I hated myself. I hated that he would call me pretty and I would say immediately, “no I am not.” I would obsess over how I looked in the mirror, sucking in my stomach to see what I could look like. I quit taking pictures of myself and I never posted any of me. I changed my settings on Facebook so no one could tag me in pictures. It got pretty bad.
I lost about thirty pounds from January to June and an additional ten from June to November.
I lost the weight slowly, with consistency, plenty of cheat meals and lots of forgiveness from myself. This blog post isn’t about my weight loss, but I needed to give all that back story to say this.
One day in October, he goes:
I said, “I know”
That was the changing point. I felt pretty, even though I had just demolished a cannoli and a massive Italian feast.
My body positivity didn’t come from losing weight, It came from working every day to see myself in a better light. I went from eating everything in sight, to losing weight in a very unhealthy way, to eating everything in sight again, to finally eating three meals a day and never feeling bad about it. I went from seeing a cheat meal as the devil, to seeing it as a good thing and a reward from all of the hard work I have done. I no longer need people to tell me I am pretty, I know I am. I stopped looking at myself as that poor chubby girl and began to see myself as a powerful woman capable of anything.
Losing weight was nice but feeling good about myself has been everything.
I don’t look in the mirror and suck in my stomach. I don’t beg my little brother to tell me I’m skinny. I don’t cringe at pictures of myself.
Growing this body positivity took years and years but getting to where I am now, I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. I’ve learned so many valuables lessons through this.
Always wishing you the best,
Post the first weight loss- summer 2014
I tried no take up as little space as possible. 2017
Enjoying balance. November 2018